My heart is truly dirty, but redeemed


There was a moment this afternoon when I was deeply angry with Andrew. He was tottering around on his rollerblades and decided that he would push Abigail’s stroller down the steep driveway, without asking my permission. I was only 10 feet away from the stroller but I was focused on helping Luke blow up a jump toy with the loud electric pump. The next thing I know, I look up and see Andrew falling, taking the stroller backwards with him, Abigail strapped inside. Her head hit the concrete and she began to scream. Without thinking of any innocence on Andrew’s part, I immediately scooped Abigail up and began accusing Andrew of being irresponsible and disobedient. I grabbed his arm and “rolled” him up the driveway into the garage, pushing the garage door button so to close us in (so the neighbors couldn’t see or hear me yell at my child!).

Anger boiled up within me quickly…only by God’s grace did I see the immediate need to flee. Getting away from Andrew was the best thing to do for both him and me. There was a (long) moment when I felt like I was justified and needed to spank my almost four year old….but I knew I didn’t have the whole story. After he and I both calmed down, through heaving and tears, I think I understood him to say that he lost his balance and grabbed onto the stroller to keep from falling, hence why he rolled down the driveway and eventually fell, alongside Abigail. Why do I not simply slow down and take the time to be compassionate? Does my oldest know how valuable he is to me? Do I take the time to pursue Andrew and show him the face of Jesus? I guess I could ponder all night on the “what if’s” (do you see what time it is as I post this?) but I just want to be thankful for the “nows” God has given me. This life is so hard but so rewarding. Would you pray for me that I would see HIS rewards and be thankful?

O Lord, you have been so good to me. I deserve nothing good yet you pour out kindness to me. My marriage is sweet and my children are true treasures. My flesh wants to hover and protect these little ones without your help. My unbelief screams in my ear and heart that your will is never as good as my own. I distrust you and am scared that my world will crumble without these four people in my life. I am selfish and live as if “it’s all about me”. At moments, I cry out, “Why does God have to get all the glory?”. I’m just typing out loud. Recently, I’ve read so many horror stories of children dying from illness/accidents/murder, parents not parenting, spouses giving up, the Church not providing, etc…’s just so easy to get discouraged. I hope my post doesn’t discourage you but rather spurs you on to love mercy and goodness.

He has told you, O man, what is good;and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

Pictured below are more enjoyable moments captured this afternoon…

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30


5 responses »

  1. We have all been there, Jawan. It’s so hard, I know. But, I have to tell you that your post blessed me because you have the attitude we all should have in the end. ((HUGS)) Love, Kelly

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